Salute to Halle Berry!

From Site73.com

Instead of boring you with the traditional rant of "Jesus people on the Internet Scare me, look how many people built personal online shrines to this EHO!", from now on I'm supplying the Google count of how many people on the Internet I personally hate. Oddly enough I also thank these people for supplying me with not only pictures of Eho's for your enjoyment, but endless hours of laughter as they profess their endless love online to somebody they will never ever have sex with. Congratulations Intarweb, way to go outside and stop masturbating.

Moving on, our last featured EHO! ranks a little higher than the normal rotting refuse of failed model turned actress, starring in such blockbusters as: Bulworth, Boomerang, and The Last Boyscout. You are probably ranting right now about how it can't be true Site73 selected Eddie Murphy, Bruce Willis, and Warren Beatty in one action packed EHO! lineup, and you are right. Join us good Internet traveler as we explore the tumultuous career of the one and only Halle Berry.

Thanks to the millions of people world wide who only leave their homes to buy more Jergens sensitive skin 'hand' lotion, the Inter-super-web has supplied me with far more information than I ever wanted to know about our one and only Halle Berry. Such riveting tidbits of info as:

   * Hally Berry has lost 80% of hearing in her right ear because she couldn't cook dinner fast enough for her man.
   * She was born to an African-American father and white mother on August 14, 1968
   * Her first big screen appearance was bitching about the white man keeping her down in Jungle Fever.
   * Halle was named after a department store
   * and Berry charges a shit load of money to show her breasts for horrible films like Swordfish and Monster's Ball.

While researching Halle's film career I was pretty impressed by the typhoon of completely horrid cinema she has starred in. For some reason I always assumed an actress as known as Mrs. Berry would have films that inspired great things like Mall Rats underneath their belts, but to my surprise upon further inspection I was painfully reminded about the time I saw Bulworth in the movie theater. And believe me, it was all downhill from there.

Jungle Fever (1991)

Spike Lee produced this movie so you can be pretty sure it is about either African-Americans being oppressed, African-Americans fighting back against their oppressors, and/or African-Americans doing non African-American things and being ridiculed by other African-Americans for acting like whitey. Jungle Fever opted for the first and last of these outstanding Spike Lee plots giving us a powerhouse of purified racist suck that left everybody who finished the movie thinking they either had been oppressed and deserve money, were being oppressed and deserve money, or were doing the oppressing and should give money. I will let you decide how he fairly dealt out the race issue on that one. Did I also mention Spike Lee is a racist fuck?

Beyond my obvious dislikes for media that was regurgitated from KKK / Black Panther stomachs for the world to enjoy, Jungle Fever dealt with the trials and tribulations of a black man wanting to have an affair with his white secretary. Because this movie is making some great statement on society not accepting interracial relationships the fact that they were black and white was emphasized about 10 billion times to the viewer leaving most people just wanting him to either get it on with said secretary, or run home to the wife and kids because we stopped caring. Remembering the parts of this movie that stuck with me having been forced to watch it in English 103, Halle Berry appeared for like 14 seconds that I recall and she was ridiculed for being too white by a panel of 'REAL' African-American women. Yea, Spike Lee is a racist fuck and I can't wait for the day humanity as a whole votes him, Pat Buchanan, and David Duke off this planet. That will be a good day.

Last Boy Scout, The (1991)

This movie proves that even somebody who spends their time mocking horrible things eventually likes something, and on that note, I loved this movie. There is no reason why anybody should like this movie, but from the second I saw Bruce Willis shoot a man through a talking hand puppet I knew I was witnessing something special. Damon Wayans stars with Bruce taking the movie down the obvious 50 or so notches, however, even with Wayans adding his characteristic awful to the movie Willis was able to make jokes, shoot people, and do an Irish dance at the end. The plot is lost to time and I am pretty sure it has to do with football and killing people, but the part of this movie that really kept me watching: 1991 Red Pontiac Sunbird (my car) is portrayed as a sports car owned by a rich football star. It gets no better than that folks.

Halle Berry played another pretty small role in this movie being killed off about 20 minutes into the film. I believe she was a stripper and have a nagging suspicion this is her first on camera breast shot, however, I haven't been able to find any screen caps on the Internet proving so. Assuming this is her third movie and she was doing films for about the price of an extra value meal circa 91' she probably jumped at the chance to flash some skin hoping to be noticed by directors not wanting her to play either token black/white chick or stripper.

Boomerang (1992)

For everyone who doesn't remember Eddie Murphy before The Nutty Professor, in the 1990's there was a very bad talk show host named Arsenio Hall. Eddie was his evil twin that starred in movies marginally better than the opening for Arsenio Hall's genocide of tonight show called "The Arsenio Hall Show". Eddie rode the success of Beverly Hills Cop 1-7 all the way to such box office hits like Boomerang, while Arsenio Hall died of some disease most people assume a kind and loving god gave him. Boomerang is Murphy playing a sassy 'player' who attempts to play a hot boss only to find out she's a 'player' too! Yep, you can pretty much blame this movie for bringing the word 'player' into the limelight of ghetto slang creating such things as The Ricki Lake show. Kind of funny how bad media inspired more bad media.

Murphy distraught at being used for his 'iron submarine of pleasure' takes comfort in the female players better looking assistant played by the one and only... Halle Berry. She teaches him it's not the quantity of ho you stick, but the quality of ho you stick and they live happily ever after in Boomerang world. I kind of wish some sort of follow up for this movie would be made showing them a warring couple on The Ricki Lake show, a nice little ironic justice for the pain this movie has caused through introducing the word 'player' to the crack dealers of the world.

The Program (1993)

Another movie emphasizing Berry's talents of playing token hot woman. Basically bent around a university football team needing a star receiver to win some made up bowl game, The Program is one of those movies that everybody owns and nobody knows why. Bluntly speaking, the movie is not good. I find it ironic that movies like The Program seemingly bent on boring the viewers to death get more stars than movies like Ringmaster that however less serious, still keep me awake. Bottom line, the star receiver needs a little cock tease to get him to join a fake team oddly colored like the Florida Seminoles, can you guess who plays said cock tease for nearly 20 minutes (longest on screen appearance to date) of the movie? Halle Berry!

The Flintstones (1994)

Call my tastes shallow and inexplicably leaning toward movies most of the world hates, and I say you are exactly right. The Flintstones achieves above and beyond so many of my low expectations for movies, that burning failures like Boomerang for some reason can't mind you, I have to say I like this movie. Again, with the genius of John Goodman and Rick Moranis you have to put up with pre-lesbian Rosie O'Donnell, but it is generally a fair trade when thinking about classic Fred and Barney cartoon slapstick and how well it is portrayed in The Flintstones movie. Maybe I just never really grew out of enjoying cartoons so lean unfairly toward relatively accurate movie depictions of them, but from the first opening scene perfectly mimicking the opening of the cartoon this film is a winner.

Advancing a bit from general cartoon plots, The Flintstones delivers something a little complex for the average 5 year old to understand. Much like the Scooby Doo movie the makers of The Flintstones are well aware no child today watches the cartoon and produced the movie solely for the older audience still tranced by Fred and Wilma sleeping in the same bed (big thing in the cartoon's hay day). The plot itself revolves around Fred being promoted and scammed by an evil boss into an embezzling scheme and some drama between Barney and him, but I won't ruin the movie. Halle Berry comes into play as the hot secretary flirting with Fred and getting him in trouble with Wilma (she always was paranoid even on the cartoon), and aiding the evil boss in setting up Fred. If I remember correctly she switches teams and tells Fred about the bosses plans and everything ends up good after a pretty awesome ending fight sequence on a conveyor belt. You will just have to see the movie to understand.

Race the Sun (1996)

During the 1980's and early 90's it was really popular to dream up new ways to save the planet by recycling paper and cutting six pack rings. Sometime during humanity's dream of not consuming every resource in 5 years some budding group of hippies made up Earth Day, and 6 years too late Race the Sun attempted to recapture the spirit of solar power cars. The challenge, collect some of Hawaii's most under represented in bad acting, say they are in high school, and make a movie about racing solar powered cars across Australia. I don't even remember this movie ever making it to theaters and have vague memories of it's trailer instilling the want in me to burn large coal reserves in an odd sacrifice to the OPEC god.

Halle Berry was the teacher of the class that competed in the racing contest. She made the cover of the box so you are free to assume she had some riveting lines inspiring her class of solar nerds to get the power up and win the game. Read that I said assume, I value this site barely above me subjecting myself to what I know is going to scar me for life so I will not be watching this film for an in depth review of Halle Berry changing the world through the miracles of teaching solar power. I have to draw the line somewhere, watching Race the Sun is that line.

B*A*P*S (1997)

Despite the poor reviews of Race the Sun Halle Berry came back 10 fold in B*A*P*S. There is nothing I can say bad about this movie that the plot preview doesn't already for me.

   Nisi and Mickey are girlfriends who work as waitresses. To get the necessary money for opening their dream restaurant they fly to California to audition for a music video. There Nisi is asked by the nephew of Mr.Blakemore's (who is video director) to act for a week as granddaughter of Lily, Mr.Blakemores one true love, whom he lost long ago and couldn't pursue because she was his family's housekeeper. They revive Blakemore's interest for life, and he teaches them to be "Black American Princesses" in return. 

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People, do I really have to take the time to bash this movie? I Mean holy fuck... I have serious doubts to whether USA or FOX would even put this in their Sunday afternoon lineup. A network that shows Dish Dogs and a network that makes shows like Bernie Mack WOULD NOT SHOW THIS DURING THE STANDARD SUNDAY 'SHITTY-MOVIE' AFTERNOON! Starring in this movie as Nisi officially removes any praise I mentioned to Halle Berry earlier in this article as above our standard EHO. She is obviously the Queen mother of EHO's and possesses a curse far more powerful of turning film to horrid cinema than even Jaime Pressly.

Bulworth (1998)

Having the esteemed honor of seeing this movie in the theater I feel I am the most qualified human EVER to review this movie. Warren Beatty himself couldn't explain this movie better than I am going to, and it would take him significantly longer.

I would have rather watched B*A*P*S.

What started out as relatively funny, a politician that doesn't care how he acts, spiraled into Warren Beatty rapping about health care and trying to sex up Halle Berry. The trick of this little story is Bulworth (Beatty) just paid for his own assassination... but now he doesn't care and people like it... and he's going to have sex with Halle Berry... SO HE CAN'T DIE NOW THAT EVERYTHING IS WORKING SO WELL! In the end we find out Berry was the assassin sent to pop a cap in Bulworth's ass, and as luck would have it she completely believes the guy she is going to kill ordered his own death and now doesn't want to die. He realizes that telling the truth gets you wrote in as president (no I am not making that up) and they live happily ever after in Boomerang Bulworth world.

Yea, I would have so bought a copy of B*A*P*S to avoid watching this movie.

X-Men (2000)

X-men the movie is like the war on terrorism. In theory it is a great concept, in practice it is expensive, too long, and proves that the only person qualified to save the world is Wolverine and not some Coke head Super-Christian from Texas. The comic dork in me shows his evil side while watching this movie because the whole time I just want to stand up and go into a huge rant on the moving being worthless because they left Gambit out. Thank you Jason Lee (Brody) for making comics cool again.

Swordfish (2001)

Most ironic part about this movie is John Travolta talking about Hollywood producing shit. You have to wonder if that first part was thrown in the movie at the end because after watching Swordfish the director realized there would be some bad reviews and at least wanted to make a joke. Beyond what everybody says, the movie wasn't that bad. True, if you were expecting some flawless presentation of hacking the Gibson or whatever, you didn't get it. But expecting interesting execution of looking at a *nix terminal window for 300 hours is an unfair request in itself. Swordfish delivered cheap action crank which is all most people wanted and paid for. Oh yea, and this:

Berry plays a recruiter / secret government worker, coercing Hugh Jackman to work for a secret government agency needing his H4X0R-ing skill to raise money. She also got paid about a billion dollars to show her breasts, which I have made available here. She got paid in ticket money we spent, so I feel it's our right to all own copies of her moment in the sun, so to speak.

Monster's Ball (2001)

After 11 years of producing movies almost conclusively proven to cause cancer, she makes something that wins her Actress of the Year (or some equally lame award). Right, something tells me it's her scene riding Billy Bob Thornton (which I have also made available here) that got the votes from the academy on that one. Halle Berry plays a destitute mother who loses her son in a hit and run. Billy Bob, having just fried her death row ridden husband, picks up on the grief of a lost child and rails her into not being racist.

My thoughts exactly.

Basically I liked the movie for the parts that were good, and slept through the movie parts I knew were coming. This film had SO many opportunities for something different and wasted them all for cheap theatrics. I do agree somebody should have won an award for that movie (*cough* Billy Bob Thornton *cough*) because it was an incredible remake from the flaming tire in the middle of the 70's it was originally. In the end you pretty much come to watch what you already know is going to happen... and I can't believe there is some 70's cult following about this movie.

But let's not come down to hard on Halle for her astonishing resume of below B film. She has at least put in her time hosting awards shows and showing up at premiers!

Swordfish Premiere

1998 Academy Awards

Oscars (2002)

Revlon Run Walk

Oh, you go girl.